Headlines
A man in San Jose was convicted Tuesday of animal cruelty for tossing a small dog to its death on a busy highway in a bout of road rage. After a dispute over an accident, the man reached into a woman’s car and threw her dog into oncoming traffic. His lawyer said the furor around the case meant that "the deck was stacked against him from day one."
He threw a dog into traffic. The deck would have been less stacked if he had thrown the owner into traffic.
Indeed dog lovers donated $120,000 to find the dog killer- more than is often awarded in missing children cases. So if your kid is likely to wind up missing, make sure he is walking the dog.
The prosecution rested after the easiest case in legal history. [alternating shots] Cute little dog. Dog killer. Cute little dog. Dog killer. The prosecution rests.
Texas Governor Rick Perry has vetoed a bill to ban the execution of mentally retarded inmates on death row. This move gives two choices to mentally retarded Texans: either you’re on death row, or you’re governor.
Governor Perry has proposed a bill of his own: If you come in last in any Special Olympic events, you get the death penalty.
A retarded death row inmate in Texas was asked to respond to the Governor’s move. He said, "I want a donut."
Florida Governor Jeb Bush has recently signed a bill making his the 15th state to ban executions of the mentally retarded. Another law bans smoking in Florida prisons, unless you’re in the state’s faulty electric chair- then you can smoke as much as you want.
Long before Tomb Raider was the number one smash hit over the weekend, Lara Croft was a widely successful video game series, especially among adolescent boys who get to simultaneously look at breasts and shoot things. Game sales are expected to skyrocket when Lara completes the wet dream trifecta in her next game by shot gunning a beer.
Angelina Jolie, the star behind those breasts, wears a vial of blood from her real life husband, Billy Bob Thornton, around her neck. Which may come in handy if she ever needs any DNA evidence against him.
To return the favor, Billy Bob has a vial of her blood as well. In a feat of unbridled one-upsmanship, Angelina has his name tattooed on her body twice. Isn’t the permanence of a tattoo a bit redundant? If the two people on Earth who want to wear their lover’s blood around their necks find each other, isn’t that forever?
She has his name tattooed on her twice, once in "a very private place"- which can only save time during intimate moments. (sling blade voice) "Who’s your daddy?" (playful) "Oh- there’s my name right there- never mind."
On a personal note, I like Angelina Jolie, but I don’t keep up with the new games the kids are playing. I am waiting for "Angelina Jolie is Pong." [shot of pong screen- the ball has tits]
Dr. Laura recommended that a caller exclude her nephew from her wedding because he has Tourette’s syndrome and will spend the ceremony screaming, "F-you, F-you." This has outraged the Tourette’s community. Now there’s a noisy protest.
Here’s a press release from the National Tourette’s Syndrome Council. "What Dr Laura said, fuck, cocksucker, shit, paints all of us with the, fuck, fuck you, fuck him, same broad stroke, shit, cunt, robbing us of the ability to grow beyond the stereotype, mutherfucker, shit, fuck."
Now we’re probably going to get a letter or two of our own, Fuck!
President Bush faced protests on his trip to Europe over nixing American support for The Kyoto Protocol aimed at reducing the carbon dioxide emissions contributing to global warming. Representing the country responsible for 20% of the world’s CO2 emissions, Bush rejected the treaty because "it didn’t include developing nations." Yeah, clearly the problem here is little Nagu and the freon from his ice cream cart.
The President and his cabinet members were preparing a new position on global warming which, unlike Kyoto mandates, offers mostly voluntary caps for polluters. He used to own a baseball team. That voluntary salary cap thing is working out great in that sport.
Not content with aggravating just the continent of Europe, Bush pushed to break the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty with Russia to make way for his missile shield plans. What better way to protect Americans from missiles than by dismantling the cornerstone of cold war missile reduction treaties?
Bush expressed hope for a truly great Russia where greatness is measured by "the strength of its democracy, the good treatment of its minorities, and the achievements of its people." By that standard, America gets a D+.
"The strength of its democracy?" Like whether or not the candidate who gets the most popular votes wins?
Three major airlines will offer fast internet connections to passengers next year. And really, what better time to enjoy hotkitty.com than when you are fighting over the armrests with strangers?
Passengers will be able to use their own computers and pay about $20 an hour for the hook up. Traditionally when I’m paying "$20 an hour for the hook up," I don’t want my computer on my lap.
$20 an hour? Getting screwed like that should qualify you for the mile-high club.
A further advantage to airborne internet access: If your plane is having mechanical problems, you can watch the story unfold on CNN.
A study finds that network television condom ads are no more common today than they were ten years ago. The study was completed by the "Pissing Away Your Tax Money Foundation."
NBC only allows condom ads after 11pm and asks that they not be "overly erotic," which would trample on the territory currently staked out by Budweiser and Pepsi. [shot of Britney Spears]
Fox requires that condom commercials focus on disease prevention and not pregnancy prevention. Meanwhile Miller Lite is allowed to be both less filling and taste great.
A beaming Melvin Milligan claimed his $46 million lottery payout just days before it was to expire. He heard of the unclaimed ticket in the news and found the old ticket in a junk drawer. Now there’s one for The Antique Road Show. "I have some good news for you. You paid one dollar for this right? It’s worth $46 million."
Milligan put the ticket in the envelope attached to the claim form and simply dropped it into the regular mail. Hey dude- you’re worth $46 million. You can afford Federal Express. In fact, why don’t you drive on over there with it. It doesn’t matter if you’re late for work. Hell- take the day off. What are they going to do? Fire you?
Milligan said he and his wife will buy a nice house and take a cruise and added that he is "going to try to keep working." If I claimed $46 million last week, you might just have guest host tonight. I would try to keep working, but I might have the flu.
The electronic tweeting of cell phones is so widespread in Australia that a popular mimic bird is using the cell phone ring as its mating call. Male mimic birds copy the new sounds in their environment in an effort to impress the females. Sorry I couldn’t call you honey. A bird swooped down and mounted my phone.
The new ringing sound fails to woo the older female birds who still swoon when they hear the ice cream man.
So the male bird makes a ringing sound and if the female answers "Hello?"- he’s in there? I could have used that tactic in high school.
The cell phone sound has already changed the mating pattern of many male birds who want to have sex, but don’t want to use all their minutes on one chick.
In Fort Worth Texas a teen on a bicycle went through a Taco Bell Drive Thru and demanded the crew give him all of their money and a chalupa. They gave him the money, but while he waited for the chalupa, a worker called the police. He aimed a fake gun at the cops. They shot him in the arm and leg and arrested him. So the question is: Did he drop the chalupa?
Why would you rob a Taco Bell? Most of the items are less than a dollar. Did he get enough to fill the piggy bank?
And then he was waiting for an item that cost 69 cents? Maybe eating at Arby’s that day would have been a good idea.
Correspondent Pieces
1) Don Karycansky, an Astrophysicist at the University of California Santa Cruz, has published a very interesting paper. He claims that as the Sun dies it will expand and obliterate the Earth. But Karycansky has a plan to widen the Earth’s orbit to buy us more time. But we better hurry. The Sun may die in as few as 5 billion years.
Here’s Mo Rocca who is with Dr. Karycansky for a report:
"You must feel light years ahead of these other scientists worrying themselves with short-sighted issues like AIDS and The Greenhouse Effect."
"Now that’s saving the planet. Sure makes those Green Peacers look silly concerning themselves with oil spills and logging. I mean, no Earth- no trees right? And since they’re wood, they would probably burn up first huh?"
"Are you worried at all that Y2 billion might wipe out your computer and all the work you have done on this issue?"
2) They started in California. Their dark shadow threatens the rest of the country. They have wrecked the economy and thrown the lives of millions into chaos. They are power blackouts. Here is our very own Stephen Colbert with a report on how this situation affects everyday Americans.
[Colbert interviews various homeless characters, none of whom care at all. He tries to goad them into concern, but to no avail.]
"But what if you can’t check your e-mail for say, two hours?"
"Or your cell phone has no power and you left your car charger at home?"
"OK let’s say you’re having a frozen Margarita party and no blender action? Now you have to drink them on the rocks…"
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