This is a writing sample that I sent to the Dennis Miller television/news show. My friend Charlie Varicola hooked me up with an opportunity to submit.
Monologue Jokes
A British television station defended a show in which the Chinese performance artist Zhu Yu eats a dead baby, calling it a "thought-provoking film about extreme art in China." The baby was unavailable for comment.
Thankfully the performance was in China, so he was only allowed to eat one child.
When the cameras were switched off Zhu Yu admitted he'd vomited twice while gorging on baby flesh. This guy is not only a child cannibal, but also bulimic. For his art, he will eat a baby, but he is not willing to gain the seven pounds six ounces…. And he calls himself an artist?
A spokesman for Channel 4 said the program airs at an hour that complies with rules banning material unsuitable for children before 9 p.m. apparently it is all right to show eating a baby as long as it is during the evening's third trimester.
When Chinese authorities discovered what had been done, Yu was quickly taken away in those little handcuffs they use. [Touch index fingers together and feign restriction]
Sadly, Zhu Yu still only took second in this week's episode of Fear Factor.
The U.S. government put a twenty five million dollar bounty on Osama's head. That doesn't seem like a lot of money. Should we be offering less money for one of the worlds most powerful killers then we pay the cast of Friends? (Should Alex Rodriguez get paid more than the guy who catches Bin Laden?)
The National Museum of the American Indian was opened recently in Washington DC. It will be moved to Oklahoma in 2005 in order to make way for the Christopher Columbus Museum.
Disabled Greyhound passengers have complained about poor service and verbal harassment. Greyhound spokesman stated that they provide equally bad service for all their passengers, regardless of physical abilities. Texas Governor Rick Perry has vetoed a bill to ban the execution of mentally retarded inmates on death row. This move gives two choices to mentally retarded Texans: either you're on death row, or you're governor. Governor Perry has proposed a bill of his own: If you come in last in any Special Olympic events, you get the death penalty. A retarded death row inmate in Texas was asked to respond to the Governor's move. He said, "I want a donut." Then attacked the reporter. Fires in the western states are taking place as a result of drought. The biggest problem with fighting the blazes is the water shortage. Fire fighters are only allowed to use water from 10pm to 6am on alternate days.
Two books are coming out that claim Abraham Lincoln was gay. This post mortem outing by revisionist historians suggests that Lincoln's assassination marked the first time he took a load to the back of his head.
Historians say Abe's homosexuality was obvious to anyone who paid attention to the telltale signs. Among these were the rainbow sticker on the back of Lincoln's horse and his long standing request that Harriet Tubman sneak him to San Francisco.
A federal advisory panel is expected to recommend next month that escape latches be required in all car trunks. The recommendation is being fought by both General Motors and the mob.
Teamsters are arguing that internal trunk latches will require them to kill their victims before putting them in the trunk, which will over time cost them millions in extra cleaning bills.
Carrot Top's trunks will also have to be retrofitted with the internal latch, following reports of hookers falling in and getting stuck.
Most Americans in a recent poll stated that they have no desire to live to be one hundred years old. No one ninety-nine was polled.
CUT TO THE CHASE
Every couple of months in our country some guy kills his whole family and then shoots himself, or goes into work and shoots a bunch of people before dropping himself with a self-inflicted headshot. Why don't these guys just cut to the chase and start with killing themselves? Just eliminate that middle step of the innocent people getting killed. I think we should develop a place where crazy's can call in first… Some sort of opposite suicide hotline. [Pick up phone] "What, you're thinking of taking your gun to work? Come on. Put it in your own mouth. You can do that. Rub some peanut butter on the end, it'll be good… there are a ton of ways to kill yourself right there in the home. Have you tried the fork in the wall socket? Try that one right now while I got you on the line."
WHY DO I CARE
People tell me all the time that we need to work to bring about peace, love and justice in the world. I agree with that but I truly just want to make it through one of my days without wanting to punch someone. Why should I care about changing the world when I can't even care enough to change myself? You want my help solving the Israel/Palestine situation? I have a sister who has barely talked to me in three years… Let me work on that first.
Why should I care about fixing Israel and Palestine when it is a conflict that is not going to be solved? Those jackasses have been fighting over the same piece of land for ten thousand years. "Our god lives here and says kill you!" "Nuh-uh, our god lives here and says to F you up."….
So they do.
Over and over again, killing for God. By the way, it is not just Muslims and Jews that kill for God, there are Christians who shoot abortion doctors and then are led away saying that same bullshit, "I did it because God told me to." Really? If God told me to kill somebody I'd be like, "Hey, do you have some ID? That doesn't sound anything like you G."
The Palestinians are always fighting with rocks. Now I am no military genius, but every war you fight with rocks, you are going to lose- unless they are coming at you with scissors…… As long as they have guns or paper in their army, then you lose with your little rock. The United States has been pro-Israel for a long time so our media always reflects that. They report that the Israeli's are shooting the Palestinians with rubber-coated metal bullets. They are still killing them. "Hey we're also shooting them with shaving cream covered missiles… see how that sounds better? They are rubber-coated so we can kill them and protect them from pregnancy… because we care." The people in Hamas are no better. They don't even recognize Israel's right to exist. How is that your side of an argument? If I am arguing with my wife about an issue we can't solve and I just say, "that's it, I no longer recognize your right to exist…" That will definitely create some tension in the region.
Thousands of years Israel and Palestine have fought over the same piece of land. They are not the only ones; India and Pakistan fight over Kashmir. For thousands of years the fight is the same, Israel vs. Palestine, India vs. Pakistan… Here is what I think it is, any time you put a place that starts with an I next to a place that starts with a P… You get problems. That is why in this country we have Ohio separating Indiana and Pennsylvania. Helps keep the Hoosiers away from the Amish.
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