copyright 2002. Tom Simmons. All rights reserved.
Headlines
It's the bomb
Israeli officials have discovered a disturbing tape apparently distributed by Hamas which describes in detail how to make and detonate a suicide bomb.
The tape starts with a masked man. OK stop right there. Internal logic problem number one. He's instructing you to kill yourself, while taking great pains to allow himself to live on unrecognized.
One Israeli called the tape "Bomb-making 101." I should get this tape, because I took Bomb-making 101 in college, but it was a 7:30 class…
To take Bomb-making 101 you need the prerequisites: Irrationality 101, Hopelessness 101, and Beginning Virgin Studies.
The tape unfolds like a How To manual with each necessary step. Like for example Step 7: "Arrange the bomb parts on the floor next your religious manuscripts and handcuff your internal irony police."
The militant Islamic Martha Stewart continues, "Now my brother fighters, we put the shrapnel in the case. It's better to use ball bearings than nuts." Well, I think we all knew that. Cut to Fletch clip: "It's all ball bearings these days."
Get off my ass
A woman enraged at her boyfriend attacked him with a utility knife and cut off nearly all of his buttocks, leaving Rodney Outlaw near death on a dark Alabama road. The injuries were so severe investigators initially believed the victim was dragged behind a car in a possible hate crime.
Despite not having yet appeared on the show, this act immediately qualifies her for the Cops All-Star Team.
Mr. Outlaw, surprisingly his real name and not one that stuck after an especially memorable night of role playing, was not at all amused when his friend Jenke visited him at the hospital to report having just "lost his ass" at the dog track.
News of the attack has inspired a new Hollywood weight loss craze: The Alabama Utility Knife Plan. "Lose up to 12 pounds with no messy diet or exercise."
When asked to respond about how he felt toward his estranged girlfriend, Rodney responded, "She can kiss my ass, and this time she won't even have to be in the same room."
Not sure if they want this one incident to end their otherwise loving relationship, the couple has joined a group at the John Bobbit Home of Family Counseling.
Czech this out
It's election season in the Czech Republic and competition for votes is getting fierce indeed. With the Christian Democrats handing out free shots of plum brandy in the Moravian town of Valasske Mezirici during a weekend election rally, the Communist party had to quickly change its strategy for a meeting in the same town square. Soon the Communist party had five topless women handing out campaign literature, forcing people to decide between a free shot and a free peek.
You see- that's the problem with politics. You always have to decide what to give up to get what you want. Breasts are nice, but no plum brandy… We all love plum brandy, but at the cost of not seeing breasts? Where's the coalition that brings it all together? It is, after all, called party politics.
If we all got along, we could do topless plum brandy body shots. And what better way to celebrate democracy?
Topless campaign workers speak to the core of communist idealogy- breasts from everyone according to their means to everyone according to their needs.
The Christian Democrats were handing out free shots of plum brandy in the Moravian town of Valasske Mezirici. If I had a nickel for every time I threw down shots of plum brandy in the Moravian town of Valasske Mezirici… I, uh… I would not have a nickel.
Note to American Christian Democrats: "Wouldn't hurt you none to take some tips from your Czech brothers."
They get booze and breasts, we get Ralph Nader- and we wonder why less than half of all Americans vote.
Career on fire
Apparently the largest wildfire in the history of the Colorado has was set by Terry Barton, a member of the Forest Service. She was sent there to keep people from setting fires. She's the one who set the fire. That's like a priest committing some terrible sin against one of his… uh, never mind.
Sending a pyromaniac to stop fires is like sending Yassir Arafat to a Peace Summit.
Said one member of the devastated U.S. Forest Service, "I think it's important that we not let the apparent actions of one individual negatively reflect upon the fine work done by the rest." It should be noted that this exact quote has been used by Democrats, Republicans, Catholic priests, the FBI, the CIA, and redneck figure skaters.
Scooby, Doo I have cancer?
Researchers plan to train dogs to sniff out signs of prostate cancer. It's just tricky to interpret the dog's actions because that's where he sniffs anyway. "Well, either it's prostate cancer, or just another day at the park."
Actually, researchers at Cambridge University are training the dogs to smell signatures of the disease in urine samples. One surprising downside is the need to treat depression in the dogs chosen to smell urine for the rest of their lives while other dogs are picked to sniff cocaine.
This new technique will certainly be defended by some poor sap forced to say, "No I'm not a freak, I'm peeing into a cup and having my dog smell it because I'm worried about prostate cancer."
Dogs can also be useful in the field of skin cancer. Namely by placing a big scary dog in the parking lot of a tanning booth.
Depending on what odors there are, dogs can smell from 1,000 to 100,000 times better than people. Which begs the question: "Why do they have to get so close to other dog asses?"
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