copyright 2000. Tom Simmons. All rights reserved.
HEADLINES
picture of bombed Chinese embassy
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MAYBE ENDING CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE US WASN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA...
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NATO bombs slammed into the Chinese embassy in Belgrade on Saturday morning. As the building went up in flames, the Chinese performed their well practiced fire drill by jumping out their cars and running around to get into the other side.
Chinese diplomats are now preparing for their departure from the embassy by packing their belongings into dozens of those little white to-go boxes.
By early afternoon Saturday, the number of angry Chinese demonstrators gathered in front of the US embassy in Beijing reached three hundred, meaning that over one billion Chinese didn't really care.
Protesters pelted the American embassy compound with eggs, tomatoes, paint balloons and chunks of concrete, while burning U.S. flags and chanting anti-American slogans. This attack on the U.S. embassy caused considerably less damage than the laser guided missiles that destroyed the Chinese embassy.
American officials have insisted that the bombing was a terrible mistake, falling back on a tried and true American explanation, "We're not evil, we're incompetent."
The bombs were apparently intended for the headquarters of the Yugoslavian Arms Agency. NATO has promised to make up for the delivery mix up and subsequent delays. The next order of bombs will be delivered to the Yugoslavians for free.
The Chinese government released a statement today saying, "China will suspend human rights dialogue and military exchanges with the United States." Which means the Chinese will continue killing innocent people in Tibet and stop stealing US military secrets.
In a related story, NATO bombs also accidentally hit strategic Serbian military targets.
HEADLINES
picture of refugees getting off a plane in New Jersey.
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Out of The Frying Pan and Into New Jersey...
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Welcome to America... sort of. Ethnic Albanian refugees continue to arrive at Fort Dix. They were supposed to have landed at Ft. Bragg, but U.S. intelligence had given the pilot the wrong address.
The refugees have been granted political asylum so they can stay as long as they want and will eventually be able to apply for U.S. citizenship. Reacting to this news, residents of both Cuba and Haiti have requested the Serbians attack their countries as well.
Though most refugees had few or no belongings with them, that didn't keep the airport personnel from asking their usual inane questions: "Have the clothes on your back been in your possession since you put them on?" "Have any strangers given you anything to wear on board?"
Actually one bag was checked on a recent flight full of refugees. It ended up in Sri Lanka.
Still other refugees are joining families in New York. One ,who is soon to be living in Brooklyn, said, "I don't know what I'll do when I get there, but I know I'll be safe." He was then mugged and beaten outside of baggage claim.
So many refugees with so much time on their hands has led to this xenophobic twist: "These damn foreigners are taking all the good spots in the Star Wars line."
HEADLINES
picture of man standing in heavily tornado-damaged home.
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Fittler Without a Roof...
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Randy Fittler is feeling jinxed. He lost his car in the Oklahoma city bombing and his house to the tornadoes. As he removed belongings from what once had been his house, he admitted, "People don't want to stand too close to me." Although, given a choice between standing next to Randy or that guy who has been struck by lightning seven times, eight out of ten people chose Randy.
Still he managed to find a bright side to the tragedies. "I must be the luckiest guy on the planet," he said, "Because I got out of the bombing without a scratch, too." In dispute of Mr. Fittler's luckiest guy proclamation, we at The Daily Show present the following nominees: [shots of Pauly Shore, O.J. after verdict] and the winner in today's vote: [shot of David Copperfield with Claudia Schiffer].
When it became clear their house was in the path of Mondays 260mph tornado, Randy and his girlfriend fled their home with their dog and parrot. In his haste, Randy almost forgot to save the parrot. At the last second he heard it's pleading squawk, "Polly wanna leave with the crackers."
Fittlers perceived lucky streak has him feeling invincible, he now plans a visit to Harlem at night, a trip to the American embassy in China, and a brief stroll through a suburban high school.
Randy's girlfriend has asked him what he plans to do this New Year's to bring in the millennium, so she can go to the other side of the Earth.
IN OTHER NEWS
picture of Abraham Lincoln
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Gettysburg Dress?...
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Two books are coming out that claim Abraham Lincoln was gay. This post mortem outing by revisionist historians suggests that Lincoln's assassination marked the first time he took a load to the back of his head.
The author of one of these books claims that John Wilkes Booth's motive in the assassination was a secret crush on Booth which Lincoln revealed on the Betsy Ross Show. {The descendants of Lincoln have since filed suit.} So, add another fact to the long list of eerie similarities between John Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln. Kennedy slept with Marilyn Monroe. Lincoln slept with James Monroe.
Historians say Abe's homosexuality was obvious to anyone who paid attention to the telltale signs. Among these were the rainbow sticker on the back of Lincoln's horse and his long standing request that Harriet Tubman sneak him to San Francisco.
The news has changed the tone of the list of people who have requested a stay in the Lincoln bedroom. New requests have since been made by Elton John, Nathan Lane, and Tom Cruise.
The subject has also sparked controversy from the Christian Right--Jerry Falwell has stated that he and his followers will no longer use pennies or five dollar bills..... {Which is of course what fills Tinky-winkies purse.}
THIS JUST IN
Picture of child on bike next to a car with an open trunk.
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Latch Key Kids in Trunks?...
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A federal advisory panel is expected to recommend next month that escape latches be required in all car trunks. The recommendation is being fought by both General Motors and the mob.
Teamsters are arguing that internal trunk latches will require them to kill their victims before putting them in the trunk, which will over time cost them millions in extra cleaning bills.
While the new legislation would make it much safer to sneak across borders and into drive in movies, it is expected to cost ventriloquists thousands to bring their dummy trunks up to code.
Carrot Top's trunks will also have to be retrofitted with the internal latch, following reports of hookers falling in and getting stuck.
ONE LINERS
A study finds that drinking more fluids - water, juice, even alcohol - significantly reduces the risk for bladder cancer in men. Upon hearing the news, Boris Yeltsin broke into a rousing, slurred rendition of "I'm Gonna Live Forever."
Yeltsin has been adamantly opposed to NATO air strikes from the beginning, saying that the bombing of Yugoslavia "violates reason and common sense." Then he gulped down a shot of vodka with his heart medication.
This week President Clinton declared 11 counties in Oklahoma and Kansas disaster areas. Although no tornadoes touched down there, he added the entire state of Mississippi for the hell of it.
Last week a jury awarded the family of a man who was killed in frustration after a Jenny Jones Show $25 million. Apparently other talk show guests have been watching the trial in which the show was held liable, because this week 37 suits have been filed against the furniture company that makes the chairs on Jerry Springer.
Police in Colorado have admitted to receiving a report a year ago that the gunmen at Columbine High School were planning to kill. But they couldn't get to it because they were so busy not solving the Jon Benet Ramsey case.
The American POWs are home safe and sound. One soldier who lost ten pounds in the ordeal has inspired the new POW diet so popular now in LA. They "capture" you from the golf course and lock you up in a "spa."
In India last week a record breaking heat wave saw highs up to 117 degrees. It got so hot some of the sacred cows were cooked right there on the street, and the Hindus said, "Screw it, let's eat."
ONE LINERS
Amid the hoopla surrounding President Clinton's youth violence strategy session, the NRA has unveiled its own suggestions for curbing violent juvenile crime. NRA President Charleton Heston said, "Because kids need to know there are consequences for messing with other kids, all children ages one and up should be armed." He quickly added, "Remember, guns don't kill toddlers, toddlers kill toddlers." The Professional Bowlers Association hosted the first outdoor championship Saturday in Bryant Park in Manhattan. This way when the fans fall asleep they can still work on their tans.
In college baseball, Florida State second baseman Marshall McDougal had six homeruns in one day. The only other athlete to ever accomplish this feet is Wilt Chamberlain.
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Here is a David Letterman submission that we wrote on 10/5/98
Halloween is coming up this month and Hillary Clinton is hard at work on her new costume. This year she's going as a New Yorker. The guys at NASA lost a $125 million Mars thingy because one guy drew up the plans in normal measurement and the other guy made it in metric. Now I'm no space travelin' genius... But, I know there's a difference between a yard and a meter.
There is a disagreement right now between Mayor Guiliani and the Brooklyn Museum of Art over a Virgin Mary exhibit that has elephant dung on it. The discussion about the art exhibit has become so heated that a Plexiglass shield has been added for its protection. Protection from what? It's already got elephant dung on it.
Maybe that's what happened at the museum. One set of artists was working on a painting of the Virgin Mary, the other set was working with elephant dung, the NASA guys got hold of it... Monday there was a record breaking turnout at the museum. When Hilary Clinton heard how popular it was she dove into a vat of elephant dung. Japan's nuclear fuel error last week led to thirty five confirmed infections, fears of nuclear fallout, and the near meltdown of the New York Mets.
Two of the Japanese workers in the plant had fever, diarrhea, and high white blood cell counts, which are similar to the side effects of Propecia.
The founder of Sony died. He was buried in a Sony Dead Man. Disabled Greyhound passengers have complained about poor service and verbal harassment. Greyhound spokesman stated that they provide equally bad service for all their passengers, regardless of physical abilities.
Fifty years of communism is being celebrated in China this week. The turnouts at the celebrations are expected to be high because if the citizens don't attend they will be bound in Chinese handcuffs and subjected to water torture. The United States expressed unease at the escalation of the Russian air assault on Chechnya... Not as much unease as the Chechnyians, but unease none-the-less. State department officials warned Russia that if the air strikes continued they will no longer allow them to launder money through US banks. The NHL season began with revised rules designed to put more excitement in pro hockey. From now on they will play college football. The NHL season began with revised rules designed to put more excitement in pro hockey. One change, midget goalies.
Futurists in California want to build the world's ultimate clock. It would tick once a year and run for 10,000 years. It won't toll the first time for one hundred years... By then Dick Clark will be like 84.
The GOP is likely to concede this year on raising the minimum wage. With the elections coming, Republicans are apparently afraid that if they vote against it, they might actually have to get jobs that pay it.
Ground has been broken for The National Museum of the American Indian in Washington DC. The Museum will open in 2002 and then be moved to Oklahoma in 2004 in order to make way for the Christopher Columbus Museum.
Officials in New Hampshire have banned the popular kids game Pokemon, saying that it has led to fighting among children. They have since banned car rides, school bus stops, and all other games.
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Desk Piece/sketch
(In classic Letterman goofy style)
One of the symptoms of the Nile river virus is brain swelling. Brain swelling... That sounds like a good thing. I know I could use a little brain swellin'. How'bout those dopes at NASA? Couldn't they use a little case of brain swelling? They lost a 125 million dollar space lander thingy because they don't know the difference between the metric system and the system we use in this country... What is the system we use here Paul? Never mind you're Canadian- you don't know what the hell I'm talking about.
I spent the weekend outside and I got to tell ya, I got eaten up by them mosquitoes... I think I got me a bad case of brain swelling.
Did you hear the good news? Mosquitoes with brain swelling disease are swarming around in New Jersey.
Into a sketch of Paul and Dave are working on a sketch that makes fun of the NASA error. Dave gives Paul the measurements in the US system and Paul misinterprets them in metric. Later in sketch a bag of sand drops on desk injuring Dave.
*THE BACK PAGE*
The Chicago city council unanimously approved plans for a skyscraper designed to become the worlds tallest building. It will be built entirely of video tapes of Chicago Cub losses.
Radio City Music Hall had it's 75 year anniversary Gala reopening on Monday. They have been adding their finishing touches of elephant dung all night.
Radio City Music Hall had it's 75 year anniversary Gala reopening on Monday. During rehearsal seven of the original Rockettes broke their hips.
Pee Wee Herman has been signed to host a new video game based on the popular game "You Don't Know Jack." I thought he knew Jack. Wasn't that the whole scandal?
[What are the buzzers going to look like in that game?]
The New York home the Clinton's are considering buying has already been the site of various protests prompting tension among the neighbors. Wait until theClinton's move in and Bill's stuff is all over the front yard.
Tonya Harding is returning to professional figure skating five and a half years after her last competition. Two dozen people lined up to buy tickets. And that's justformer cell mates.
The Gretzkyless NHL season began with revised rules designed to put more excitement in pro hockey. Each team will only have four skaters in overtime, and in the penalty box... Hookers.
Only about one quarter of American students can write at a proficient level. One quarter?... Wow, that's way better than the writers here at CBS.
Futurists in California want to build the world's ultimate clock. It would tick once a year and run for 10,000 years, which is just short of how long it will take these geeks to get laid.
The Millenium clock is being billed as the world's slowest moving computer? I thought the worlds slowest moving computer was Al Gore.
Art gallery owner Mary Boone was arrested in New York when police seized over one hundred rounds of live 9mm ammunition, which she had set out in a candy bowl for gallery patrons to take. Trick or treat.
The gallery said that the bullets are there to say, Bullets are as casual as a piece of candy. Remember kids, don't take bullets from strangers.
TOP TEN
THE TOP TEN BENEFITS OF BRAIN SWELLING
10. Could get a job in the Macy's Thanksgiving day Parade as a float.
9. When someone in a movie theatre yells, Hey, move your fat head!. You won't be the only one who turns around.
8. Your I'm with stupid hat no longer fits.
7. Hitting kids in dodgeball would be a breeze.
6. Maybe them NASA boys can get us some Mars photos.
5. You can do more drugs because you have brain cells to spare.
4. Get a job as the mascot for the East Dakota Mellonheads.
3. By comparison, Donald Trump wouldn't seem so damn big-headed.
2. That uppity Einstein has nothing on you.
1. Dan Quayle, you can get back in the race.
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